AMERICAN MUMMY (2014)

American Mummy.jpg

Studio:       Wild Eye Releasing
Director:    Charles Pinion
Writer:       Greg Salman, Charles Pinion
Producer:  Greg Salman
Stars:     Suziey Block, Aidan Bristow, Aaron Burt, Esther Canata, Erin Condry, Jack Grimmett, Rudy Marquez, Peter Marr, Jennifer June Ross, Greg Salman

Review Score:


Summary:

A university research team becomes cursed when they unearth an ancient Aztec mummy at a New Mexico dig site.


Synopsis:     

Review:

¡°American Mummy¡± ¨C A review written as an imaginary, albeit entirely probable, conversation between two men responsible for releasing the movie:

¡°Sh*t!  It¡¯s 2017.  Universal is rebooting their monster movies with Tom Cruise in ¡®The Mummy¡¯ on June 9th.  Yet here it is almost May and we have our pants around our ankles, without a mockbuster to dump onto home video and piggyback off the hype.¡±

¡°You know Bob, I may have a solution.  Remember the movie ¡®Aztec Blood¡¯?¡±

¡°Does anyone?¡±

¡°It premiered at the Revelation Perth International Film Festival in 2014.¡±

¡°I don¡¯t know what that is.¡±

¡°Then it played something called the Macabro Festival in Mexico a month later.¡±

¡°I don¡¯t know what that is either.¡±

¡°Anyway, what I¡¯m getting at is, this completely forgotten ¡®Aztec Blood¡¯ flick has been gathering dust for three years.  I¡¯m thinking we simply retitle it ¡®American Mummy¡¯ and-¡°

¡°Hold on.  You¡¯re telling me we already have a mummy movie sitting on the shelf just waiting to be released?¡±

¡°Well, not exactly a mummy in the traditional sense.  For one thing, it¡¯s Aztec, not Egyptian.¡±

¡°Whatever.  As long as it¡¯s wrapped in bandages.¡±

¡°It¡¯s not.  It¡¯s just a dirty corpse that a university research team finds buried in a New Mexico cave.¡±

¡°But it gets up, walks around, kills people, and whatnot?¡±

¡°Er, no.  One of the researchers performs a blood ritual over the dead body and unleashes a curse.  One by one, the group gets infected and attacks one another.  The skeleton, I mean mummy, doesn¡¯t actually do anything.¡±

¡°Is there a pyramid, or a tomb, or a sarcophagus?  Anything people usually associate with mummies?¡±

¡°There¡¯s a goofy-looking ceremonial mask on the corpse.  That¡¯s something.¡±

¡°Sand?  For crying out loud, is there sand?¡±

¡°Sort of.  It takes place in a desert.  There¡¯s a lot of dried dirt that looks like sand.¡±

¡°Close enough, I guess.  But Aztec is Mexican.  What does ¡®American¡¯ have to do with it?¡±

¡°Oh, don¡¯t get hung up on that.  You see Bob, after the low-budget DTV horror industry ran out of nouns to put the word ¡®Paranormal¡¯ in front of, we started using ¡®American.¡¯  ¡®An American Haunting.¡¯  ¡®An American Ghost Story.¡¯  ¡®American Poltergeist.¡¯  ¡®American Exorcism.¡¯  It¡¯s all the rage, at least until we burn through all those same nouns again.  ¡®Mummy¡¯ hasn¡¯t been used yet though, so this is perfect.¡±

¡°So what you¡¯re saying is we have a movie we can call ¡®American Mummy¡¯ even though the main monster is neither American nor a mummy?¡±

¡°Mexico is in North America.  Technically, ¡®American¡¯ isn¡¯t inaccurate.¡±

¡°Alright, fine fine.  Is the movie scary?¡±

¡°Um, I wouldn¡¯t say that.  There are some goopy blood and torn body effects that are sort of gonzo though.  Gorehounds might dig that, I don¡¯t know.¡±

¡°Who¡¯s in it?¡±

¡°No one you¡¯ve heard of.¡±

¡°What about the director?  What else has he done?¡±

¡°This is his first directing credit since 1996.¡±

¡°(Sigh) At least tell me the movie looks halfway decent.¡±

¡°It looks like a typical microbudget indie horror film, what else?  Interiors are shot inside tiny tents or against a papier-m?ch¨¦ rock wall that¡¯s supposed to resemble a cave.  Exteriors are shot in a desert so windy, dialogue sometimes gets garbled.  That¡¯s when the audio isn¡¯t fighting with a soundtrack that ridiculously overemphasizes onscreen events with generic music.¡±

¡°Jeebus.  Your description makes me want to jump off a bridge.¡±

¡°Imagine how the people we¡¯re duping into renting this will feel.¡±

¡°F*ck it then.  You¡¯ve got the green light.  Just make the box art look like all of those other mummy movies.  You know, with a kind of cool looking creature that doesn¡¯t actually appear in the film.  Make its face turn into sand on one side too.  I don¡¯t know why, but every other modern mummy movie does it, so that must be the way to go.¡±

¡°One last thing, Bob.  Did you want to see the film for yourself before we go to print and drop it to VOD?¡±

¡°Dear God no.  It sounds awful.¡±

¡°It is, Bob.  It is.¡±

Review Score:  20