MRS. CLAUS (2018)

Mrs Claus.jpg

Studio:      Wild Eye Releasing
Director:    Troy Escamilla
Writer:      Troy Escamilla
Producer:  Troy Escamilla, Derek Huey
Stars:     Brinke Stevens, Helene Udy, Kaylee Williams, Mel Heflin, Hailey J. Strader, Billy Brannigan, Heather Bounds, Ryan Poole

Review Score:

25.jpg

Summary:

A killer disguised as a devilish Mrs. Claus terrorizes a sorority where one pledge¡¯s sister was previously murdered. 


Synopsis:     

Review:

¡®Twas the night before Christmas, and what should I watch?
A slasher once known as ¡°Stirring,¡± now named ¡°Mrs. Claus.¡±

It¡¯s a DIY indie, which is important to know.
But I hoped against hope that it still wouldn¡¯t blow.
Barely ten seconds in and I worried, ¡°oh no!¡±
¡°It looks like some amateurs made a film with a phone.¡±

The setup starts with a pledge at a sorority for rush.
She has to drink from a toilet that no one has flushed.
Sisters then pass a dildo to be crammed up her cooch.
If I am to suffer this, I will need much more hooch.

A girl with painted-on eyebrows shames the pledge with a prank.
I guess booze won¡¯t suffice, I¡¯ll need something dank.
Now there¡¯s suddenly stabbing, yet with no noise effects.
That¡¯s not the sole silent scene either, who did the sound on this mess?

Ten years have passed, there¡¯s a new girl on the scene.
It was her sister murdered, so what if she was mean?
New bodies start dropping, the killer wears a mask.
¡°Does this movie get better?¡± would be a dumb Q to ask.

Who is the culprit, will anyone care?
The only reason to watch this would be on a dare.
Should I see this as serious, perhaps silly, or both?
I¡¯m likely over-thinking and should take a fresh toke.

On ¡°Black Christmas!¡± On ¡°Halloween!¡± On so many more!
Homage or rip-off, let¡¯s mimic movies galore!
Cuts to clouds, iced cookies, and a panhandling man.
Does this B-roll make sense in some editor¡¯s head?

The entire story occurs in one place,
Forcing the lens to be shoved in each face.
Lighting looks awful, and the camerawork worse.
Why did I choose this, is it some kind of curse?

A jerky camera can¡¯t figure out how to frame a three-shot.
Why is it panning when the ¡®pod should be locked?
A bottle changes hands from one shot to the next.
Continuity¡¯s biffed too? What else did I expect?

Are Udy and Brinke the only ones who¡¯ve acted before?
The cast appears stiff and perpetually bored.
Not that I blame them, I feel that way too.
To have fun with this flick, better start huffing glue.

Quickly the slim story runs out of steam.
But there¡¯s still half the runtime yet to fill up the screen.
Actors seem to do improv to stretch out that time.
Their dialogue is so awful, it should be a punishable crime.

Stoner musings about Santa and his elves getting high.
How ¡®bout diarrhea at dinner before eating pie?
Such gags aren¡¯t funny and always ring hollow.
I¡¯d expect nothing less from a movie this shallow.

What¡¯s with the piano tinkling on the score?
Are these library tracks off a CD from the store?
That decapitation might be the lamest kill yet.
Such hacky holiday horror fills me with regret.

One hand is sufficient to count the technical ranks.
There¡¯s no crew in the credits, just endless Special Thanks.
It should surprise no one that ¡°Mrs. Claus¡± shot for a dime.
That still doesn¡¯t excuse it for wasting valuable time.

Should you choose to accuse me of being unfair, I¡¯ll take it.
These might be fledgling kids just trying to make it.
Maybe no-budget cheapies fill your stocking with glee.
But the low-rent aesthetic simply won¡¯t work for me.

Even with lowered standards for horror that¡¯s homemade,
¡°Mrs. Claus¡± cannot muster a fair passing grade.
Not that this means the cause is all lost,
But before pressing Play, please consider the cost.

If you want to enjoy it, make your nose red as a cherry.
Only egg nog and whiskey can make ¡°Mrs. Claus¡± merry.
Even then it¡¯s a chore to squeeze out any fun.
You¡¯re more likely to be asleep when it¡¯s all said and done.

Until the next DTV¡¯er about Krampus or whatever,
Remember the best time for bad movies is never.
It¡¯s hard to resist when we want festive frights,
But ¡°Mrs. Claus¡± isn¡¯t the way to have a good Christmas night.

Review Score: 25