PARANORMAL SEX TAPE (2016)

Paranormal Sex Tape.jpg

Studio:       Wild Eye Releasing
Director:    Dick Van Dark
Writer:       Dick Van Dark
Producer:  Dick Van Dark
Stars:     Amber West, Darren Munn, Shaine Sherlock, Ricky Stain, Dick Van Dark

Review Score:

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Summary:

A woman is haunted by disturbing visions and a sense of someone stalking her after seeing a demon in her sex tape footage.


Synopsis:     

Review:

In name alone, ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± is such a fitting nadir for the glut of ¡°Paranormal (Fill in the Blank)¡± detritus clogging DTV channels that it is nearly impossible to not choke on a chuckle.  Seeing ¡°Based on True Events¡± touted at the top of the box art turns that snicker into ¡°this I gotta see¡± curiosity on ridiculousness factor alone.

Of course, no one, not anyone with a semi-conscious brain anyway, goes into something called ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± expecting it to be ¡°good¡± in a traditional sense.  But it shouldn¡¯t be out of the question to anticipate some semblance of USA Up All Night, The Asylum, Troma, Full Moon, or otherwise barely B-movie appeal from something presumably corny, cheesy, or campy in the spirit of ¡°so bad, it¡¯s good¡± entertainment.

Since the runtime is only 70 minutes and the flick was playing for free on Amazon Prime Video, I crammed expectations into the Earth¡¯s core with the thought of getting some throwaway soft core silliness that Joe Bob Briggs might have gleefully lampooned back in the day.  What I got instead was, well, I don¡¯t know exactly.  The word ¡®movie¡¯ implies some sort of sequential storytelling and rudimentary cinematic presentation, neither of which ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± has.  So I¡¯m not sure how best to describe it other than ¡°amateur homemade dreck.¡±

In order to avoid repeatedly using the word ¡®literally¡¯ to assure you I¡¯m not exaggerating for effect, I simply ask you to trust that anything I say about ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± is not hyperbole.  No matter how impossibly outrageous anything might sound, I promise the ¡®film¡¯ is worse than words can capture.

Forget the fact that ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± is from someone who has apparently never made a movie before.  It looks like it was made by someone who has never even seen a movie before.

¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± is practically criticism-proof because it doesn¡¯t have a script, acting, or effort of any kind that can be formally evaluated.  It¡¯s like someone shot random footage of a woman walking around and also writhing naked on a bed in night vision, and was dared to cut that content into a coherent story.  That¡¯s a dare lost, by the way.

I intentionally haven¡¯t included a story summary because ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± doesn¡¯t have a story to summarize.  Conservative estimate: 75% of the time it is impossible to tell what is happening onscreen.  Sex scenes are semi-psychedelic montages of squirming bodies that aren¡¯t titillating in the least, unless you consider someone reciting an ¡®Our Father¡¯ in echoing whispers underneath to be erotic.  ¡°Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star¡± also features as a leitmotif playing with dissolves of a music box ballerina over other instances of nudity.  A barrage of non-sequitur black and white close-ups, occasional cutaways to a man in a hoodie wearing Halloween Store hands, and several sequences of the main actress riding a subway further fuel bizarreness seemingly included solely to extend the duration to feature length.

A guess might think recording was done on a phone, except there doesn¡¯t appear to be any audio accompanying the footage.  Only two, maybe three minutes of the movie at maximum contain dialogue, which is obviously ADR.  That¡¯s right.  Almost the entirety of ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± is totally silent.

The film is so lazy it doesn¡¯t even alter the title card from its original name ¡°Sex Tape Horror.¡±  At least they have the humor to list ¡®Family¡¯ as a genre on its IMDb listing though.

As terrible as ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± is, the people responsible for making it aren¡¯t to blame.  I don¡¯t believe they were trying to make a real movie.  Aside from the composer, someone by the name of Dick Van Dark (the only smart decision made was not using his real name) is the only crewmember credited.  Of the other four people in the cast, only one has a credit prior to ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± and none have a headshot on IMDb.  This is too haphazard and thrown together of a production to suggest anyone had an authentic agenda of professionalism here.

Instead, it seems like someone saw this collage of crap with a modest amount of nudity and a makeshift monster, acquired it for a nickel, and figured that even selling one DVD at $9.99 turns a profit.  If anyone is to blame, it¡¯s the distributor.  Benefit of the doubt says ¡®Dick Van Dark¡¯ is probably as astounded as anyone that this nonsense has any commercial value at all.

The best part about a movie like this, for me anyway, is that there is so little of substance to comment on that I can knock out this review while eating lunch without turning on my brain, coincidentally the same strategy for making this ¡®movie.¡¯  Worse than not being scary, worse than not being sexy, ¡°Paranormal Sex Tape¡± isn¡¯t the least bit fun.

Review Score:  0